my probably ill-advised contribution to this condom conversation

So I want to stress that I'm only speaking from personal experience here, and that you should take this with all of the skepticism that implies. But I wanted to add a little to what Andrew Sullivan said in flagging this piece by David Masciotra about condoms. Masciotra takes what to me is the right tack, by using a scientific and social scientific approach to the issue. And the data is pretty plain: lots of people don't use condoms. The effort to address that issue should take a lot of forms, and the fact that many people don't is not at all an argument that they shouldn't. But there's no use in addressing the issue at all if the unpopularity of the method can't be discussed openly because it's one of those cultural liberal no-go zones.

Now here's what I want to add. My assumption is that I will always be using one, outside of a committed long-term relationship. What I find odd in the conversation is the typical assumption that resistance to using condoms comes only from men. Well, here's my personal experience: with many women, I've been asked not to use one. It happens all the time. I'm not suggesting at all that this is somehow an argument in and of itself about what best behavior is. Nor should you take that to assume that I acquiesced to the request and had unprotected sex. Like all aspects of healthy sexual behavior, the use of birth control depends on unanimous consent. I'm just saying that the assumption that resistance to using condoms only comes from men does not jibe with my personal experience. Whether that's indicative of broader trends, I don't know.

What I do know is that this is one of those issues where people talk in a way that is not conducive to getting to the truth. The arguments for using condoms regularly seem straightforward to me. The danger of STDs are very real. (The dangers of exclusively heterosexual people who don't use intravenous drugs being infected with HIV are non-trivial, but have often been dramatically exaggerated.) The worry of unintentional pregnancy is of course pressing. Being an adult, in many ways, means doing things that are responsible even if they aren't pleasure-maximizing in the short term. This is not an argument against condoms. I will continue to assume that I'll be using one every time, and I feel that's a responsible and sensible way to proceed.

But this conversation is so suffused with bullshit, with this kind of broad cultural signalling and assumed sanctimony, that I don't see how it can contribute to better behavior. Check the comments on that Atlantic article. Google around. Look at what standup comics say about condoms. Resistance and displeasure with condoms is widespread. Saying "get over it" does nothing to address the reality of that resistance. We have this small number of celebrities, people like Louis CK or the guys from South Park or Sarah Silverman or similar, who we allow to speak frankly about adult issues. For most of us, there are topics which are consistent exercises in unreality. This topic in particular seems to me to inspire people to talk in a way that is deeply removed from their own private behavior. And if you don't think that a residual feeling that sex is gross and naughty contributes to our lack of frankness and honesty, or that part of the impulse to judge people on this issue comes from the same judgmental territory that produces slut shaming... I think you're naive.

By the way: any comment on the character of the women I've been with, owing to what I'm talking about, will be met with immediate deletion and banning. No shaming allowed here. I mean it.